To define is to Die.

I always insisted on definitions and frame of references. However I now see that such boundaries and structures might help only in group discussions and case study solutions, not otherwise.

Everyday when I define what I’m capable of being, what I’m capable of becoming and draft the plans accordingly I only limit myself. Unlike the dreams I see at night, where I let myself go unconsciously, the ones I visualize during the day are limited by these definitions that draw contours, which restrict me.

My conservative self concept, I believe has been more destructive than the limitations that social, cultural and parental prejudices imposed on me over these years. By drawing circles around myself, that I hoped would be bulwarks for my life, I denied myself of the grail iam here to seek.

Denial of possibilities to explore beyond an imaginable and tangible destination is a sin. It is almost masochistic. I used to like the idea of this cliché, “Aim for the sun and you will reach the starts”; I now think it’s stupid. If you are aiming for the sun and working towards it, why wouldn’t you reach the sun? Why even think of settling for something less even before you start? And why is the sun the limit, why can’t you go beyond it?

I want to ask Stephen covey, ‘why begin with an end in mind’? Why not discover new ends with every passing day. Why not stretch as much as possible? Infact why define what is possible?

Though I understand that specific goals and milestones give shape to one’s life and facilitate one to focus, they also blind you from other possible goals that lie on the way. I begin to think that goals make one’s life comfortable, therefore we seek them. Most often than not it is in the uncomfortable zones that real progress might lie. The mission statements mirror my today, but what about my tomorrows?

This leads me to think that we also curb one’s ability to do something, by evaluating one’s potential at very stages of life.

My friends appreciate my work when they feel its “effortless”. They appreciate any form of art, when it seems effortless, as if to put in efforts to get something is a mistake. A friend says, “Ah, what an effortless acting”. They justify it by saying “When it is effortless, it is natural”.

I wonder why “Natural” is a virtue. Shouldn’t we put our heart and soul into something, if we want it real bad and work towards it? In which case the effort one has put in will be very obvious. For all you know, over a period of time such efforts will be rewarded and the work will become ‘natural’, the way many seem to like it.

What we are and what we will become is only an illusion that deludes us from aspiring to be other things which we consider are alien to us. There might be a new dream awaiting us around the corner, but we ignore them. So ideally, I should ask myself, ‘What am I here for question’ every single day, at every single step. Answers would differ with different contexts, settings, relationships and experiences, and one would evolve only with such openness to newness.

Denial of one’s ability to achieve something also robs one of the pleasures craving for a new dream; milestone or discovery of a new talent can give.

I also wonder, why should goals always be “SMART”? Irrespective of whether a dream is realizable or not, is pragmatic or not each of us should seek the freedom to unveil and explore abysmal possibility of possibilities that lie in chaotic challenging settings.

One should be willingly expose oneself to pains of disappointment; discontent and angst at failure rather than pre decide that something is not within reach. Progress manifests itself in experiences of emotional upheavals that results from success and failure, of win and lose. Fear of failure could be used to constructively push us in directions we never believed existed.

So this is what I have to tell my dear friends who had a good laugh, when I called myself ambitious. Yes, I don’t have them all written down in a piece of paper. I don’t have a goal matrix, with cost implications, feasibility study results, time plans and schedules.

I don’t relish the idea of being caught in the web of ignorance of what lies afar; I don’t even want to see afar.

I want to at times be contended with daily dreams, the morning and evening adrenalin rush and immediate wins. At others I will survive on the comfort of an impending romance with a utopian dream for tomorrow, and the bliss of a disciplined search for my ever changing and transient self concept.

Since I can’t empower myself with an awareness of what lies in store for me tomorrow, I want to make it all possible today. With a stringent defition of success is and what ambitions are, I will only sit by the side walk and watch the world go past me.

I want to create my own game, every morning. And win it. Or may be lose it