25! Already?

Here’s a toast,
To the grand hopes, and the grander failures;
To the deluxe laughter, and premium breakdowns.
One after the other, I have dealt with the rollercoaster;
Quarter century now, year after year!

An august pleasure this, a poetic high.
Of having played this stately game so long!
Oh, how grand this;
The exquisite choices, and the difficult decisions;
And the cognizance of insecure self in deep darkness.

This extravagant lust for life,
Truly sets me free;
Yet leaves me bound.
Truly keeps me alive;
Yet cripples me at times.
There is fear;
Yet, there is a resolve.
Things will change; I will have to change them so!
For today again, I have to start afresh.
And love myself in the mirror yet another day.

Here’s a toast,
To this unpredictable monster-life.

I would be lying if I said ‘the’ unpredictability doesn’t freak me out! The anxiety associated with sudden change is undoubtedly much more overwhelming than the excited anticipation of the newer directions this 25th year will take.

So what’s the big deal about the 25th year, I asked; as I started out writing this piece.And went on to re-run in my mind the chain of events, the whimsical turns I ended up taking in the last couple of months.

The mad rush (the way a dear friend likes to put it) has taught me pertinent lessons about the power of objectivity and patience .Of how talent is nothing, and discipline is everything. Of how instant gratification is nothing, and ironically living in the moment is everything. And iam happy to have had these zany experiences, the emotionally draining introspections, and of course the ‘aha’ moments.

Though I didn’t plan to and didn’t want to stand on 24th of Jan 2007 and say “Hey, quarter life crisis is here” it has truly come knocking on my door. The choices that stand in front of me are very tricky,i tell u.

To choose an idealistic life or a practical one, to compromise for the sake of love or fight for my principles, to settle for the decently challenging yet easy mediocre pursuits or follow the ‘simple living-high thinking’ path I had wanted to embrace all these years.

Too many questions really and iam tense as I fear taking the now seemingly right path and repent later. These never ending questions taunt me and answers elude me. Mom during my rebellious teens would say “Oh yeah, you can afford to dream high now, you are naïve and idealistic. I bet you won’t at 25”. I wonder if I will end up proving her right?!

On the outside I seem to have done fairly well for myself.
If I had to dissect my life, I would be pretty satisfied with the way I shaped my early adulthood, with the risks I took, the decisions i made when at crossroads. The finer moments bring to mind images of peaceful smiles, relaxed coffees on the terrace, the tender beauty of contended tears, uncontrollable laughter with dear ones, adventurous travel stories ,groggy late night conversations, silly arguments that ended with the ‘make up’ hugs and yes, the moments of fame and recognition.

However, there is some amount of unpleasantness in the way I have changed.
I often wonder if I was better off being the audacious, rebellious, ambitious and brash teen I was than the cautious, practical, accommodating (trust me, iam) adult I have become.

Theoretically speaking, the 4P’s of my youth- promise, perseverance, passion and potential seem to have waned to some extent over a period of time (Its another story that people still ask me where do I get all the energy from :)). I guess I have succumbed to the brutalities of the narrow-minded society and lost that ‘spark’ somewhere along the way, especially in the last 2yrs since I got done with formal education. However one thing is for sure, the 25th year is meant for rekindling the aging spirit and get going.

The itch really is, the number “25”.The realization that 25 has come in so early, the fact that time flies is a hard one to digest. What if 30 also lands in jiffy and life just passes me by. What is the standard, how much is one expected to accomplish in the first quarter of one’s life? Is accomplishment really IT?!

Oh yes, Life has been unfair more than once. Whenever I say this, a dear friend points out “life is ofcourse unfair! What did you think?”. The real issue then is that I have been unfair to myself; to the ‘grand’ dreams I have written about in that poetry by writing them off as impossible!

But having said that, i surely have ‘evolved’ in some sense.(Phew,have been using this high powered word since the process labs.Wonder what that really means!). There is something remarkable that I have achieved, a valuable gift I have given myself.

The ability to separate myself from the situations iam in, and analyze my behavior and attitude objectively and make that paradigm shift whenever necessary.(Yes, iam a big fan of Stephen Covey).I finally have the maturity to give up the frivolities of young adulthood and become more self aware, productive and focused on the purpose of everything I pursue. However along with this new found maturity, I have retained the innocent childlikeness, the naïve curiosity, and whacky playfulness.

When I was 20 and insecure, a facilitator in the process lab called me a child woman and I couldn’t really appreciate the beauty of that term till about a year back. And now that I do, that’s exactly what I want to continue to be.And most importantly,hit the bed every night with a sense of satisfaction at having moved an inch closer towards ‘that’ goal and wake up every morning with the same zeal with which I started off.

One thing is for sure, turning 25 is just the beginning of "bigger" things slated to come my way.

Of grand anticipations and the grander changes. And the next 25yrs is going to be yet another whirlwind.

Here’s a toast,To my eccentric 25 years!