Yamini !

I was groping in the darkness.

I could see everything clearly; my hurt, my anger, my inexplicable sorrow, all melting into the wilderness. The ray of moonlight, flashing through the window panes failed to bring beauty into my life. The tender breeze gave up trying to console me, the ceaseless rain cried along with me.

They say poverty is killing…unemployment is, these wretched souls haven’t heard of this dreadful disease called loneliness. When you are lonely alone, you can’t fathom anything at all .The walls of the house in which you exist get scandalized by your tormented cries and stand still not knowing what to do.

The vision you have for future, the milestones, the innumerable plans all get blurred.The smell of the mud reminds you of the ugly past and lightning scares you of uncertain future.
But nothing matters, cos you don’t feel anything but lonely. There is angst that is killing, angst that pushes you to feed fire with those lovely things you own, you treasure;

The favorite books with those underlined verses, the photographs which make bring a smile and tear both at the same time, mom’s sari(and its peculiar aroma)that is one of the very few reminiscence of childhood times, the emails from old flames, the cassettes and songs that have given you solace all the while, those torn t-shirts that you never wanted to throw away, the first ever greeting card, the single earrings that have been preserved with the hope that one day you would find the other missing one, those certificates of little achievement …..

Achievement, what does that mean? You accomplish something, just so that you can accomplish the next thing in line. And then another, there is no beginning, no end. Always in the process of getting there…..and there! And you remain small compared to him and her, all the time. These poetries and works of motivation are very good on paper.

One fine day all that remains is your shadow that you can see on the wall, the naked shadow asking you what? Why? When? How? You can’t answer, you don’t know. Anything! Nothing!

Every morning is meant for waking up to do a set of 5 things, finish them up so that you can do a fresh set of 5things the next day .

And then comes the relationships, mostly frivolous. The banter, wordplay, hypocritical statements, stories of self, fake smiles.

Not to forget the career goals;the rush to reach there. When you reach there,you realize you actually wanted to do something else totally different.This happens time and again.
There is clarity only about confusion.Big joke, all that.

Name me eternal pessimist. “All in the mind” you would say. Where is the mind, I ask? I’ve known only heart and this heart hurts. For some reason, for no reason .You might emerge successfully from failure mostly cos human memory is short and you forget what you went through. The exact account of events is not kept. The truth is you never come out of bad times unscathed. Hurt lives forever, till you go to the grave.

Why this drama? Just because you have no option, you have a life, you have to feel and live the life to feel. But whom and what do I feel for?

What do I do when there is no one to get angry on, no one to care about my angst?
No reason to feel irritable. No promise made, No promises that can be broken. No one to kiss and make up. No one to cry for and cry on. No one to taunt and tease. No one to listen and seek.

And the heart just exists, for the sake of it, craving to feel.

Nature has its own way of filling of vaccums! One vaccum for another, one sorrow with another, one failure with another.

Light came, then. I’m still groping, searching for something. But what?

(Yamini -Night/Darkness)