Adventure is no fun

I mean it. The adrenalin rush is over rated. I abhor the void that asks me mockingly “So what?", every time I get return from an adventure trip.

Sitting quiet by the window side, watching the monsoon rains romance the world around you. Now, that qualifies for fun. Meeting an old friend for coffee, having random insane conversations about all and sundry. That surely is fun. Walking by the the sea side, watching the waves cling to the mud a minute and let go another, now that is fun. Riding on a horse back for 3hrs on a treacherous snow-filled path in -5, when your nose is bleeding, feet is frozen, and back is broken; that is no fun.

I had this noted down this quote from somewhere in one of my dairies long back, “If a man is not ready to risk his life, where is his dignity?” . Today I find it hard to find dignity in risking one's life.

I was in Kashmir recently. Obviously a trip I had planned and looked forward to for long.The beautiful photographs and memories make up for the pain i went through, or so I want to believe. But when I look back at about 10 near death experiences I have had in the last 1.5yrs and more than 20 all my life, I want to ask if all this is really worth it.

Iam now down with flu, possibly the swine flu and I feel worse than I ever have. This is not the first time though in respect to sickness. The time and effort that it takes to recuperate from each of my maddening trips is immensely huge. I have a good immune system and all times survive eating from any shitty dabba on the road, and drinking water from any tap on the highway. Or so I thought.

I’m digressing. Coming back to adventure. I have flat feet and a medical condition of unstable foot that makes me completely accident prone. I also happened to suffer from aquaphobia, since the time I almost drowned to death in kaveri at a young age. I also have acrophobia, which I seem to have mostly overcome but I still do have mountains sickness. Ofcourse I also have a case of migraine. And add to all of this I’m clumsy, disorganized, have a high restless quotient and horrible memory.

Therefore for someone like me, Adventure becomes the way of life during ‘living out of the suitcase’ days. Most times it is not self chosen. At times its ignorance of what I’m getting into, while at others it is audacity. One of my friends asked me, how I manage to engage and disengage from different places I visit and different people I meet. I think I don’t. That inability to detach emotionally is another some sort of adventure iam beginning to dislike.

I was having a look at these pictures here:
http://adventure.nationalgeographic.com/2008/08/reader-photo-contest-photography
I can now after these experiences kind of fathom the amount of determination, hard work agony one has to go through to get pictures of this kind.

Travel adventure is one. Adventure of other kinds too have become extremely enervating now.
Adventure for me, is throwing oneself out of the comfort zone. For me, the ‘leap’ from the comforts have been quite strange, difficult and challenging. I have my first ever photo shoot in a studio this weekend and my heart has skipped many beats already. I'am consumed by enoromous self-doubt and disillusionment all over again.

As I sit to discuss the shoot with my models, fashion designer and makeup man, I ask myself ‘why am I doing this?’ Unfortunately I don’t have answers. Do I enjoy it? Yes, I do. But hobbies when taken up seriously, become strenuous; physically and otherwise. It is not easy to juggle between two equally demanding career interests or find purpose in everyday mundane tiny progress in each fields of work or for that matter believe that all of this will take you someplace better.

So yes, life isn’t easy right now. Adventure is no fun. Why do I then persist?

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p.s : needless to say, this is flu induced.