Shall we dance?

Four Seasons fill the measure of the year;
There are four seasons in the mind of man:
He has his lusty Spring, when fancy clear
Takes in all beauty with an easy span:
He has his Summer, when luxuriously
Spring's honey’d cud of youthful thought he loves
To ruminate, and by such dreaming high
Is nearest unto heaven: quiet coves
His soul has in its Autumn, when his wings
He furleth close; contented so to look
On mists in idleness--to let fair things
Pass by unheeded as a threshold brook.
He has his Winter too of pale misfeature,
Or else he would forego his mortal nature.

In my 26th year I have lived the “Winter” Keats talks about, the year that has changed the person that I’m and the life I will lead, forever.

I changed my line of work, and have, for the want of a better word, found my calling. I have gone through a complete ‘paradigm shift’ in the way I relate to, love and care for, people. My relationship with my family changed entirely, for the better.

At 25, I had a million questions that tortured me; I started experiencing the very famous quarter life crisis. 2years hence there is a peaceful cognizance and may be some sort of a pride in having found some answers.

These answers have come to me, unfortunately, through a series of experiences that shattered my self belief, challenged the optimist in me and put me through perennial agony. I spent the whole year, one after the other, realizing the grave mistakes I have committed in life. The most significant of them being losing the love of my life to greed and double-standards. A mistake, that goes beyond the threshold of forgiveness.

I hurt a few of those people; that matter the most to me, consciously and otherwise. I spoke about change in the society and working towards it, I started doing it for a living. But changing my own hypocritical and indisciplined self continued to be the biggest challenge.

I played games. Even after realizing and experiencing, how much damage the so-called “constructive manipulation” has done to relationships I held/hold close. I neither displayed strength of mind nor commitment to change, during the tough times. I gave up time and again, entertained suicidal urges every other night, for close to a year.

However, like always, this year too I have been most giving, to my friends. I lived upto Auden’s words, “Love each other or perish”. These friends were the pillar of strength during those tough times. 2 of my best friends got married to each other, I had a lovely re-union with my ‘bestest’ friend after 4years, and have made new friends, for life. These special friends inspire undying hope and poetry in me. These friends now, are family.

I thank my stars for this year, for without all these experiences I would never have learnt the lessons I did. The single most significant lesson has to be learning to own up. I now take onus for the devil that I have nurtured in me, and for the lies I have lived. Accepting responsibility for being me has been liberating, almost.

The biggest vice of mankind, has to be, wallowing in self-pity and letting life pass by you. I now never allow myself the luxury of sympathy from myself or others. I now know how to give love and let it come in. Thankfully, Inspite of the painful experiences, I continue to believe in “Love is the only rational act”.

It pains me to realize that there are times when one person is a relationship outgrows another, finds newer paradigms, reasons, relationships and dreams that they choose to chase. The only
thing then, which the other can do, is to let go.

It takes a lot of courage to let go, to become “empty” and let nature fill that void. I have struggled constantly to let go of self-obsession, stereotypes, irrational fears and insecurities, cultural , societal bondages etc so as to open oneself myself to the ‘here and now’.

That also brings me to the questions on choosing to lead a principled life. One can’t be partially honest or mostly ethical, often unassuming or mostly genuine. It is here or there. One gets exactly the kind of life, one choose to live. You either brave to take on a challenging tough life, or an easy callous one.

I don’t agree with, all relationships coming with an expiry date. What does, is the way one relates to the other person. With age and time, the equations change, mostly for the better. Love takes different forms, ways, priorities and possibilities. Love, a friend often says flows from various directions all the time, we just need to open our eyes and hearts to it.

I also decided that there is no point debating about existence of God, in a human form. Every belief, every practice, has evolved over a period of time in the society only to make life more fulfilling and meaningful. So if “God” gives peace, comfort and strength to one, one must follow that path. This applies to any form of faith and passion, each to his own.

I kept oscillating between selfish Vs selfless as a virtue in my teens. During the early 20s i swore by selfless love (maybe because it is politically right to), though I knew very well that I only did lip service to it. I think now, the whole debate is futile, the question here is only whether it is “self-less” or “self-more” in any given context, situation and the relationship.

So if one is so "full" of oneself, then one is more often than not blind to the other’s needs, deaf to the other’s words and silences, and should undoubtedly start preparations to write the epitaph for that relationship. Building trust is a slow process; same goes with any kind of change within oneself or otherwise. Patience therefore becomes the most worthwhile virtue to revere.

The process of being able to transcend one’s huge ego, be more accepting of people and their idiosyncrasies, to welcome all the surprises that life throws at you is not easy. But when you start doing it, it becomes an ecstatic experience.

To be able to seek and spread joy everywhere you go, every day , is best way to be. This ofcourse doesn’t mean one rejects pain, disgust, anger, fear etc. You have to revel in and experience all of these emotions in entirety, and be able to attach and detach, so as to find new you everyday. Life then will be fascinating.