Liberty

It is not the world at all, not 'them' or 'they'. It is I who prisoned my sense of freedom, strangled the Eden of desire and comfortably went hiding behind the fears of failure and sloth like mediocrity.

Insecurity and fear met me at the cradle, in a dim lit hospital and I let them settle inside me, refusing strongly to shake myself off them for a long time.

It is ignorance that I first met on my road, to discovering truths, that long awaited my curiosity. I went the beaten track; the road the herd took, relishing the stagnant beauty of the usual and normal. Indulging in my vices, celebrating my mistakes, finding excuses for my lack of integrity and taking refuge in self pity for failures that could easily not have occurred in the first place. Assuming inspiration would come knocking my doors, to lay roads for aspirations to take flight.

I then met ridicule and suppression. I peeped into the forbidden roads of pleasure, pinning to get there but refusing to grab the courage to do so. The hands of life's clock went past me with a fierce pace, while I sat dreaming of lush green gardens to invite me home. I sat idle, hoping for miracles to happen. For a savoir to protect me from such mockery and gift me hope.

I never ran into a savior, though I did meet people who I presumed are saviors. I never looked within, as much as I knew I had to. Countless helping hands emerged, thankfully, only to go back; tempting me to discover my individuality.Temping me to fight the furious fires of reluctance and indiscipline.

Arousing in me a sense of wisdom, knowledge of that self betraying path I had easily subconsciously chosen for my life. I say ‘Chosen’, because choice always exists. It lives very close by. The option of sleeping in a nestling foam bed and ending your life right there is on one hand.On the other, you could open your eyes, try to stand up on your own, run a few miles, tire yourself, fall and then get up, rub the dust off your body and run again. At times towards a known destination. At others, to find one.

But mediocre that I was, I chose to sleep on the foam bed. Ofcourse, life is so comforting there. Only that, after sometime your limbs get numb, your eyes go blind, your sense of self gets crippled and you stop listening to the sound of your heartbeat, though you might be very well alive.

It is when I was trying to make sense of these choices that I met with some lessons from the past.
“Respect” they said is sacrosanct, and i internalized . I learnt it by heart and never questioned it. Respect this, that and that too; they had ‘advised’. The old, the usual, the timetables, the goals, the rule books. Because they are meant to be respected, obeyed and believed in. Universal beliefs are easily adopted by a child, and teenage rebellion is still not good enough to break the shackles of such deeply etched lessons.

It is then that I met with the realization that “followers” stagnate. That it is on the path of non conformity lies progress. Norms are words that are meant to be only in the dictionary, that’s where their true place is. Not in the midst of us,definitely not to be worshipped every morning.

Then ofcourse I decided to befriend chaos as I rested after a long walk, it made good company. In such a conversation with Chaos, I promised to explore theism. Liberty to choose to want to understand god, I realized, was refreshing.

As I made little progress, I managed to reach a river of grandeur. It danced right in front my eyes, giving glimpses of how ecstatic the beauty of breaking barriers is. I believe that some day moon would get irritated with sun’s sympathy and decide to either be dull or just struggle enough to gets its own glow. The proud sun can then take a walk.

I then bumped into fame. A man I was infatuated with since time immemorial. He had become shorter. Lost lot of weight. Not to forget completely not lost that sheen, that awe he held for me back then. Falling out of love is not a bad thing, after all.

Oh yes, just when I had proclaimed logic and reason god, I met with another love. In the path to understanding love, my idea of self was challenged a million times over. I met with questions on morality, rationality and selflessness that I had no answers for. The more I sought after the answer, the more I met with disappointment.

On such a disillusioned path I met a tyrant. A Fool. A Voyeur. A Hedonist. A Masochist. An animal. Instinctively, I protected myself from the negative connotations of my dark side and learnt to sculpt them into idols of stone that I admired from afar, but never would touch. I also met kindness. Compassion. Sensitivity. Empathy. Poetry. Instinctively I protected myself from letting my heart bloat in the pride of beauty in me.

I then walked back. To the point where I had started my run. The path was cleaner than ever before. Those enemies from the past I met on the way, the kins from childhood, the scars of failures; are still around. Some where close, but I refuse to open my eyes to them.

Tomorrow i will travel another road. Seek another destination. Dream Some. Get some, lose some.