Sanah. (Also Nishit- Part II)

Dearest,

Re-read your letter once again (nth time) last night, decided to write back. First things first, I’ve not been able to finish those unfinished portraits .Blame it on the monsoons; they have taken a toll on my health. Don’t you worry, I’m coping pretty well.

Sanah, you have asked me for advice. I will give it, but not as a mother, because I fear I would get prescriptive when I assume that role. I might lead you to port learning from my own life to yours which doesn’t make sense. To each her own.

I’ve kept my life a mystery to you; I’d raised you outside my pain and struggle, for some reason. (Cant you guess why?!)

As I strongly believed love and understanding (as they often remain mutually exclusive) are quintessential in shaping you into a sensible, mature and confident woman; I gave them in abundance.I’ve given you the freedom of choice, shown the different alternatives that exist and educated you to make intelligent choices.And yes, you have to own up to the decision and the consequences yourself.

I must confess I was amazed at the maturity my doll has exhibited in speaking her mind; I admire that clarity in your thoughts and actions. But darling, are you sure you are happy living for love?

Don’t get me wrong, I adore your unconditional love for Sid, reminds me of myself and my tiny world with Nishit.

But then, there exists a world beyond love. That’s an imp. Lesson I learnt after nishit left us for ever. That night if I’d read the pain in his eyes, seen how much he needed me, I wouldn’t have let him drive out much past midnight.And life would have been very different for you, me and us. Anyway, let me not there now!

I never slept those nights, darkness freaked me out. Insecurities were 2nd nature to me. I was so lonely that I would converse with passing breeze, the stray dogs or the moonlit trees, between changing your nappies. As if I wasn’t living if not loving. So how did I cope with it?

I had to start looking for an identity beyond the relationship and the bliss I’d given and taken from it. I didn’t have an identity beyond the family I came from, the religion I followed, and my marriage itself. I constructed my identities on the basis of these, these which I didn’t have to struggle to get.

I thought our culture allows women so little scope for development, for exploration, for testing the boundaries of what we can do and who we can be. As a result my romantic relationship became the primary and only arena for selfhood. Now when I look back, I realize how boxed my life had become, how silly my daily aspirations were.

Those days of loneliness I started encapsulating the moments spent with him on the canvas. I painted my sorrow, my love, my disappointments, ecstasy and every minutest emotion that I felt with him and without him. I colored the darkness around me, darkened the canvases.

What started as therapeutic hobby became a path for selfexpressesion and later self actualization. I lived with the brushes, I put everything I saw on the canvas, I painted in my head, in the morning and the night. And the rest of course you know, you have been there. Seen me grow from an amateur to an acclaimed artist.

The point iam trying to convey here is, there is identity beyond the relationships you are in and you have to seek them. I always feared feminism; gender consciousness in fact is very strong in women in contrast to men. There is something you should be absolutely aware of, your vulnerability as a woman and learn to celebrate it.

Your vulnerability and sensitivity can help or hinder your self-determination and freedom, you have to learn to use it to your advantage. Don’t let your romantic relationships become the testing ground for your selfhood; don’t get obsessed with reinforcements from others.

Your recognition need not come from a shallow shell of fading emotions. Iam not suggesting your love for him will wane.But if the relationship doesn’t give you the space you need to find your foothold in the world; does it make sense to continue?

Wouldn’t you rather like to live a multi-faceted life, when you know your are capable of it. So here’s to you woman! You have the talent in you to create, to define and re-define the world with your writing. Then why stop yourself from doing so?

I cannot answer your life questions, I cannot delve into the depths of your mind and seek what u want.U’ve to decide what you want and how, but I want you should stand tall with dignity and dance uninhibitedly. And whatever u choose to do, iam with you. Always will.

Luv
Mama


(Sanah - Elegance)