Manav

I love him. Nope, don’t get me wrong.

I’ve no romantic inclination what so ever, not with a man who is almost 20yrs older than i. But well, it is not the age. It is the fact that, by any stretch of imagination I can’t imagine being his wife/lover/girlfriend. I would be suffocated to death if I were.

I simply admire, adore and am in awe of the man that he is. So what is it that holds me in awe…his plain, simple, atrocious, astounding arrogance!?
Arrogance and pride that gets people around him shiver with fear and respect.

It is infact ridiculous that I admire a man who is chauvinistic to the core, thinks he is supreme and wants to dominate people around him all the time. But the truth remains, I do admire him and enormously at that. May be the subservient woman in me likes his chauvinistic self.

I mostly look up to him; have done that since I was a teen ………more so now, for his arrogance, self-pride and unbelievable self-belief. He rules, everywhere.

If you were to be his daughter you wouldn’t know freedom, if you were his wife you wouldn’t know space. If you were his subordinate, God save you. But yet.

I believe all of us would have our bundle of insecurities hidden some place safe inside and would expose them to a very few who are close to us. But well, am sure he is one who has none of those jitters you and I would have.

So, if I do not want to be associated with him in any manner, what do I seek?Well, I just simply want to be HIM.I want to be a man.

I do celebrate womanhood, extravagantly. But still,the craving to be a man doesn’t leave my soul; i trust that there must be so much pride in being a man. Not just any man though.

And I wonder how would I have been, if I were a man? Would I shed the kind of tears that I do now? Would I be an emotional fool that iam now? Would I have had a different set of aspirations and goals? Would I have been low on need for affiliation or managed to be a Casanova? Would I have been expressive and creative? Would I have been rebellious and aggressive?

I don’t know and will never. But then I just want to be him, the filthy egoistic man that he is, I want to feel supreme like he does.

I wish.